


Apollocumentary

by chellerrific



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology
Genre: Crack, Documentation, F/M, First Time, Multi, Multiple Pairings, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-06
Updated: 2011-10-06
Packaged: 2017-10-29 06:24:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/316723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/chellerrific
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know what we could really use a record of? Stories about everybody’s first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apollocumentary

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skypirateb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skypirateb/gifts).



> For Philippa, written during Dissertation-a-thon 2011. With thanks to, in no particular order, Phil, Allie, Rachel, and Chiara.

_Hey all you cats and kittens, god of light, music, and awesome, Phoebus Apollo, here. I am trying out this new “camcorder” of mine. I got to thinking about what’s missing from Thena’s libraries and Hephy’s archives, what I could contribute to our stores of knowledge besides all the other stuff I’ve already been responsible, directly or indirectly, for. Fabulousness doesn’t take a holiday, after all._

_So, I said to myself, “Self,” I said, “you know what we could really use a record of?”_

_“What, Self?”_

_“Stories about everybody’s first time!”_

_“Brilliant! That’s absolutely brilliant. The world needs this.”_

_“It does indeed. Shall we start?”_

_“Let’s shall!”_

_And now here we are. I presume it’s only fair if I start with my own tale of defloration. I wager all are dying to learn just who it is who hath my maidenhead. It was a day of beauty. I lay under a smooth bowl of purest cornflower blue, the sun’s gentle fingers playing on my skin as my own played my lyre in an ode to the majesty of the day around me. My digits moved across the strings like ten nimble dancers unencumbered by gravity, the sound sweet, pure, and clear. So entranced of the melody was I that I didn’t even notice her till I had finished. She was a beauty, to be sure, and not unknown to me—as she was one of the Muses, I was her teacher and patron. When my song was done, I set aside the lyre and took her by the hands, pulling her down onto the emerald grass beside me. In that moment, I wanted her, in the way a man wants a woman—though admittedly, I had often wanted her in the way a man wants a woman, I mean, you have seen the Muses, right? [he whistles] But just then, it was only the two of us, and the curve of her body towards mine told me she felt the same way. And so there in the grass beneath the clear afternoon sky I took her. I explored the mountains and valleys of her body with my artist’s hands, and also discovered motorboating is really fun. Aye, we did make the beast with two backs, and this beast’s back ended up scratched all over. Never before and never since has there been a coupling such as ours._

_Ah, but gentle viewers, which Muse was this? There are nine of them, after all. Well, I can tell you sure and true her name… was Calliope. [beat] Wait, or was Urania first? Shit. Thalia? [indiscernible muttering while he counts on his fingers] You know what, I banged them all eventually. One of them was first. Consider this a Choose Your Own Adventure video. If Apollo slept with_ Terpsichore _first, turn to page 394…_

_Anyway, enough about yours truly for the moment. I now turn my lens to my fellow gods and goddettes out there to pose them the same question: “What was your first time having sexual intercourse?” I feel it is still going to take some effort to pin some of them down to get more specific answers, but that’s a pretty unambiguous start!_

* * *

Dionysus, god of wine, partying, and solids  
What? You know this story already, homeslice.

_Tell it to the camera. For posterity!_

Yeah, you totally want my posterity.

_Duh! Now tell me about the first lady-type (or otherwise) who got a taste of it._

[he sighs] Whatever. As you all know, my upbringing was… unique. Or do I have to explain that all in detail to your posterity as well?

_No, no, just get to the boning._

Right. This story happens after I stopped wearing Persian clothing but before I journeyed east.

_So after you stopped cross-dressing but before you went nuts._

[he continues speaking loudly over Apollo, as if not hearing him] I was not the most popular man in my village, for reasons unbeknownst to me. Possibly because they were jealous of my devastating good looks. You’ve all seen the statues.

_Yeah I’ve seen the statues._

Shut up, yours aren’t any bigger. _Anyway_ , as I’ve been _trying to say_ , this happened during some festival for one of you bigheaded fools up on Olympus. This was before I was one of you bigheaded fools, of course. I made the wine. Like Rudolph, I was shunned but served my purpose. Don’t even make a red nose joke or I will punch you in the balls.

There was this one girl in my village, Euthalia, who had always been somewhat different from the rest. Nowadays you’d probably call her a… what would you call her?

_Hipster._

What?

_Wait a decade or two. It’s gonna be a thing._

Whatever. She was pretty, in a mortal way—you know, that sort of ordinary beauty so many of them possess. Not that I am knocking it, of course. I had seen her looking at me once or twice, but I was such a shy, demure young thing.

_[off-camera, there is laughter]_

Shut up! I know it’s a difficult thing to believe but I was not always the irresistible magnetic creature you now see before you. Maybe it had something to do with always wondering when that bitch Hera was going to strike me down. She’s not going to see this, is she?

_She’ll have access to it. Doubt she’ll watch it._

Well. Leave the “bitch” in then. Where was I? Euthalia… festival… devastatingly handsome… Oh yes. So everyone was out and about celebrating someone-or-other, and I had seen to the wine and was kicking back, enjoying the fruits of my labor. Heh. Get it, fruits, wine? No? Shut up.

Most everyone was ignoring me, but not Euthalia. She was obviously someone of great taste and discretion. She came over, blushing slightly, to tell me how she thought I’d done an amazing job. I suggested we go someplace more private to talk. It wasn’t hard to find a deserted area behind some revelers’ homes, though ultimately we didn’t end up doing much talking. Well, she did do a fair bit of _shouting_ , but that’s to be expected.

Anyway it wasn’t long after that that Hera, that bitch, reared her ugly head again and, you know, sent me off on my travels. And I never saw Euthalia or that village again. [beat] Huh. Hope I didn’t knock her up.

* * *

Hermes, god of travel, communication, and fucking shit up hilariously  
Have I got a story for you! I was a precocious lad, clever and quick at an age when most children are still being delivered by their twin sisters. So it only stands to reason I was a bit ahead of the curve when it came to sexuality as well. I’m sure most in our family started out with godlings or nymphs or mortals, but not me, no sir. I went straight for the majors. My first big score was the goddess of great lays herself, Aphrodite.

Now, we had to sly about it on account of that whole pesky “she’s married to Hephaestus” thing, but fortunately, “sly” is my middle name. It’s what the “S” in “Hermes S. Awesome” stands for. I was primed and ready to go and believe me I know I have never been the most patient of men, but even I was aware this was a delicate situation that required finesse. So, I waited until he went to work in his forge and then I finessed my penis into her vagina. Oh, the cleverness of me!

_Shut up, that’s my line._

Sorry, homeslice. Anyway this wasn’t really a big complicated story, it’s mostly just a story of me fucking Aphrodite. And _loving it_.

_A harrowing tale of subterfuge and deceit that ends in tears and tragedy for all._

Excuse you, you may not recall I tapped that a few more times.

_Well I guess there is no accounting for taste! Hers, I mean, not yours._

You ever hit it?

_No, I always had… other plans._

Like with whom? Daphne? Marpessa? Castalia? Cassandra? How’d those work out for you, anyway?

_[a small projectile, perhaps a ball, appears from off-screen and hits Hermes squarely in the head]_

Ow!

* * *

Persephone, goddess of spring and cowgirl-style sex  
[she is laughing hard] Oh Polly you are going to get punched in the face at least five or six times before you finish this. Actually can I follow you around? ’Cause I’d love to see that.

_Just answer the question, dollface._

Fine, fine. I was out clubbing one night and totally wasted and there was this super hot bartender who’d taken off his shirt because it had more than a little bit of Captain on it, and I was like, isn’t that a health hazard, and he was like, “the only thing here that’s hazardous to my health is how hot you are”—

 _Oh Seph. You couldn’t even get_ Tiresias _to believe you were a virgin more recently than four thousand years ago._

I just thought I’d spice it up a bit. Here’s the real story, which will come as a shock to absolutely no one: after I got married and went back down to the Underworld, Hades and I slept together.

_Lights out, covers on, missionary position. Come on Seph, these are the kinds of details my viewers crave._

[she rolls her eyes] Hi D! Hi Hermes!

_Shut up, this is totally a work of great historical import that will be treasured by all generations to come! [beat] Heh, come. Anyway, wait, after you went back?_

Yes, after I went back. No shenanigans went on during my first visit. He was a perfect gentleman.

_Okay seriously I’ve asked this before but it stands to be asked again: are you sure he’s not gay?_

Oh trust me. I am sure. If he’s gay, he’s a gay man who really, _really_ loves my vagina.

* * *

Ares, god of war, bloodlust, and manly manliness  
Okay, so check it. I was at this thing—this… whatdoyoucallem… party! Yeah, it was like a party thing. With all the people and the music and the… there was probably wine there. I mean I’m assuming. Where was I going with this? Oh right. And that’s the story of how I learned not to play with matches.

_No. Homeskillet. We’re talking about how you lost your virginity. The first time you had sex with another person._

Oh, right! Okay. That story starts with a party! [beat] Or wait, _was_ it a party? _Did_ I meet her at a party? Maybe it was more like a… war or something… Hey Apollo, was it a party or a war?

_I have less than no idea._

Okay, so, it was at a war or a party… or wait, was it at a bathhouse?

_Maybe it was a party at a bathhouse, and then people started sword-fighting with their dicks._

Ooh! Wait, no, that’s stupid. You’re stupid! Hey, where’s my cake? You said there would be cake.

_I… am pretty sure I said no such thing._

Okay, I just really want cake. You should give people cake.

_This isn’t going to happen, is it._

Oh my gosh, is that a pony? [he gets up and wanders off]

_[off-camera, there is a heavy sigh]_

* * *

Hephaestus, god of blacksmiths, volcanoes, and wicked cool robots  
[he stares blankly at the slice of chocolate cake sitting on a plate in his lap]

_Uh, Heph? The question?_

[he blinks up at the camera for a moment] Oh, yes. It was Athena.

_[there is a long pause] Beg pardon?_

Athena. She was my first.

_[another pause] Okay well this is a story I gotta hear, obviously._

Well. [he shifts somewhat uncomfortably] She had come to me about the forging of some weapons. I had… admired her from afar for some time, and I’m ashamed to say that my desires got the better of me. I tried to… to force myself on her. Thank Mother Rhea she was able to get away from me.

_[another pause] Now I’m waiting for the part where you had sex._

I didn’t, not as such. But I spilled my seed and we have a child by this union. You know Erichthonius. Erich and I have both always considered Athena his mother. I think you’ll agree it still counts.

_Oh then you are in for a surprise._

* * *

Athena, goddess of not getting any…?  
I am afraid I do not understand the question.

_Come on, Thena. Sexual intercourse. You know what that is, don’t you?_

Do not be ridiculous. Of course I do. What I do not understand is why you are asking me such a question.

 _Well, it’s a funny story. See, Hephy told a pretty wacky tale and I thought, hm, maybe our resident “virgins” aren’t really as “virginal” as we all think. I mean, if_ Hera _of all people can claim it on a regular basis, it’s clearly not as difficult to hold onto as I might have thought._

Ah, yes. You are of course referring to the encounter between Hephaestus and myself that resulted in the birth of Erichthonius.

_That’s the one._

Interesting, very interesting. Well, as true as that tale may be, I think you will still find that I have never enjoyed the company of a man in my bed or… elsewhere. I suppose Hephaestus is entitled to consider that incident as sexual in nature for him, but for me, it was merely, shall we say… an unscheduled experiment with notable results.

_So what you’re saying is…_

Regardless of what Hephaestus has told you, I am unable to give you an answer to this question.

_I see. Bummer. Well. No cake for you._

I do not like cake anyway.

_Liar. Everybody loves cake._

A fallacious statement; there are plenty in the world who do not love cake. I happen to be one of them.

_Watch out, Thena! Your pants! They’re on fire! Someone get me a fire extinguisher or one of those heavy smothering blankets!_

Your mildly humorous attempts at painting my statements as false do not change their validity, I am afraid.

_I know you are, but what am I?_

I must point out that your childish retort is nothing but a meaningless non sequitur.

_That’s what she said!_

Yes, it is what she said, as I just said it a moment ago.

 _Your_ face _is stupid!_

If you will excuse me, I have an appointment to see a professor at Columbia Law in precisely one hour. [she stands and exits the frame]

_I fart in your general direction! Your mother is a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries! [there is a pause] Ah fudge._

* * *

_Well hello again! Looks like we are successfully back in business. Okay, quick recap of what happened: as it turns out, apparently not all virgins of Olympus take too kindly to having their maiden status questioned. The arrow went right through the lens and completely destroyed the machine as well as the footage I’d shot for that day, which, fortunately, was just that one “interview,” such as it was. Anyhoot, lesson learned: don’t approach anyone who is carrying a weapon. Hindsight is twenty-twenty and all that!_

* * *

Aphrodite, goddess of great lays  
[she arches an eyebrow] You’re asking _me_ this question?

_Frankly, all of Olympus is dying to know._

Is that so. You know, some traditions hold that I was born pregnant.

_Yeah, that’s fucking weird. Were you?_

I’m afraid I can’t answer that question on camera. It would ruin the mystery.

_Either way, I still want to know what your first actual sexual encounter was._

All right, well. Like our dear Athena I was never a child. I was born fully grown and fully gorgeous. I came ashore on Cyprus in all my naked gloriousness, my beauty shining with the intensity of a thousand suns.

_Hey, hey, hey, waxing poetical is my shtick._

I can’t help it. It just happens. Anyway, blah blah blah shores of Cyprus, blah blah blah gorgeous. I was greeted there by the king of Cyprus, whose name I forget, but it started with an A. Or maybe it was a Π. Oh well, not that it really matters I suppose. The point is, he was a hunk. I was like, “Is that a mirror in your chiton, because I can see myself in your robes.”

His wife was really annoying about the whole thing, by the way, so I made her have sex with a bear.

_Hey, Aphrodite, have I mentioned today how fabulous you look?_

[she smirks] No but I’m listening now.

* * *

Hebe, goddess of youth and Pac-Man  
[she giggles] Now that’s a funny question. I bet you’ll be surprised by my answer. Go on, see if you can’t guess.

_Hmm, let me think…_

[she makes a buzzing noise] Time’s up! It was Heracles. You know my husband Heracles, right?

_We’ve met._

Aww, come on. Don’t be such a grumpy-wumpy. He’s loads of fun once you get to know him! And he’s super good with his hands, which you can tell because he’s so awesome at pinball!

So, let’s see. What can I tell you about that first time. Okay so, I was on Olympus, doing my maiden cupbearer thing, you know, like you do. And I was happy! I got to spend all day with my family and I wasn’t really interested in any of that other stuff despite all the virtues I heard all of you extol.

But then everything with Heracles happened and my mom was like, “Hebe, you’re going to marry him,” and I was like, “But _Mom_! I don’t want to get married, and I don’t even _know_ the guy!” and she was like, “Yes, well, indeed, quite, I know it sucks but you gotta take one for the team.” Direct quote, pretty sure.

So anyway I was pretty cranky about the whole thing but then I actually met him and I found he’s really good at jacks! So I was like, maybe we can make this marriage work after all!

 _Anyway_ , the point of my story is that on our wedding night we slept together and I do _not_ mean the kind that involves actually sleeping, all though after a few hours we were both so worn out we _had_ to sleep and then we actually _did_ sleep for a really long time, but before we got to that point let me tell you it took him about ten minutes to show me what I’d been missing all those years. I think it was on the second night we broke the bed. We’ve learned not to skimp on furniture since!

* * *

Eris, goddess of fucking shit up with various results  
Oh, now this is a fun question. All right, let’s see. My story involves a chair, a whip, and a smith whose wife really liked watching. It all started when—

_The remainder of this content is rated NC-1700. Please use the following form to verify you are at least 1700 years of age to continue viewing._

* * *

Iris, goddess of rainbows and unicorns  
Okay wow that takes me back. Well, um, okay, this story… is not one I’ve really told much, but mostly because nobody’s ever really asked?

_Thank Pheme for me, then!_

[she rolls her eyes] Yeah, right. Well, okay. This happened at one of D’s parties. One of his wilder ones, which you know is saying something. I had had a lot to drink—I think the technical term might be “fuckton”—and frankly I really don’t remember much about that night. Just that it happened, and I think it was good, all though of course, drunken standards are lower than sober standards.

_Which party was this?_

Um… the one with the wine pool. You know, and he was like, “I know one of you dickheads peed in there! I am never doing this again.” But he did like six hundred years later.

_Not sure I remember that one. Anyway, so you don’t remember who it was?_

Well, see, that’s funny-slash-awkward thing—

_Funkward!_

Um. Right Anyway, between what I do remember and what I pieced together after I was sober, I do know who it was. The problem is… _he_ doesn’t know.

 _Oh man, that_ is _funkward. Oh! Oh, wait! I know what party you’re talking about now. The one with the inverted elephant pyramid, right?_

Yeah, that was the one.

 _Ah, memories. That was a night of good life choices for all of us. Like Hermes banged this really hot chick whose name he never could—_ oh shit!

[she is very deliberately looking anywhere but at the camera]

 _Holy—your first time was with_ Hermes!

Stop making me regret doing this stupid interview!

_Right, sorry. I just… whoa! Mind blown!_

Uh-huh. Are we done now?

_Yeah, um… you know what, you can have two slices of cake on your way out, if you want._

I think I do want, as a matter of fact.

* * *

Eros, god of love, sexuality, and guyliner  
It was Psyche!

_You and I both know that’s a load of bull._

No, I’m totally serious. After we were wed I struck my previous sexual history from the record. Look, if Hera can do it _annually_ surely the rest of us are entitled at least once in our lives?

 _Well yeah but nobody buys it when_ she _does it either!_

Oh well. Psyche was my first and only. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I mean, how could _anybody_ want anybody else? When I think about her I touch—

_TMI, homefry._

What?

_TMI. Too much information. It’s gonna be a thing. All though… that would make a really catchy song… [off-camera, there is humming] I don’t want/anybody else…_

You know, I haven’t seen her in like fifteen minutes. I miss her. [he sighs dreamily] The way her eyes get all crinkly when she smiles at me, the way her laugh sounds like the prettiest silver bells, the way the sunlight catches in her hair and makes it sparkle, the way she walks and it looks like she’s gliding, the way anything always looks amazing on her, the way _nothing at all_ always looks amazing on her…

_Yeah you can go now if you want._

[he flees without another word]

* * *

Hecate, goddess of putting a spell on you  
I haven’t!

_Wait… what?_

I haven’t, duh. I’m a virgin goddess.

_But… wait, no, that can’t be right._

I’m not as uptight about it as some other people I could name, but you are looking at a bona fide _demi-vièrge_.

_But… you have kids!_

So does Athena. So does your sister.

_Those aren’t her kids, they’re her Hunters._

Oh, Hunters! Is that what we’re calling them nowadays.

_Seriously, you’re putting one over on me, right?_

Wrong.

_Okay so… why not?_

[she shrugs] I dunno, I just always lose interest. Like this one time there was this Italian sailor going down on me but I was trying to read this book and he was starting to get really distracting so I had to chase him off. And there was this other time I was giving this guy a handjob but then I remembered there was this party I wanted to go to so I was like, oh yeah! Peace! And I left.

_[there is a long pause] I see._

So yeah! No actual penis-in-vagina action here. Sorry!

_Yeah you’re not getting any cake._

Oh, was I not supposed to have that? I already had like two pieces. Oopsey! It’s really good though. Can I get the recipe?

_[another pause] Yeah… I guess so…_

* * *

Hestia, goddess of tea and fluffiness   
_You may be wondering why I am standing outside Hestia’s door right now. It is not because I was dared to, no matter what Hermes says. I’m only here in the interest of research. So. [he clears his throat, then raises a fist to knock on the door]_

[the door opens, revealing Hestia] Oh, hello, Apollo! This is a pleasant surprise. What brings you here?

_Ah, yes, well, as you may have heard, I’m making a documentary._

Oh, that’s right, of course! Silly me! Come in, come in!

_[the frame bounces somewhat as he walks inside]_

Have a seat!

_[the frame lowers as he sits on a couch opposite the chair she takes] So. Here we are._

Yes! How are you today, dear?

_Me? Oh, I’m super duper. Um… ah… I… have a question to ask you…_

Yes? [she smiles at him warmly]

_When… that is to say, what… who… um… do you have any tea?_

Of course! [she pushes a small plate on the table between them towards him] Here, dear, have a biscuit or two while I get it ready. [she exits the frame]

_[he takes a cookie] Thank you… Yeah, this isn’t happening._

* * *

Poseidon, god of the sea and belching the alphabet  
Oh, yeah, I’ve totally got the best story, way better than anything anybody else has told you. This is gonna blow all theirs right out of the water. Okay so, here’s what happened basically: you know the Nereids? The fifty daughters of Nereus and Doris? Amphitrite’s one of them but there are fifty total. Actually, there might be more than fifty. It certainly seems like that sometimes. Anyway, so the story of how I lost my v-card is one night I scored with all _fifty at once_. Yeah! That happened!

_Whoa! Okay. Who was first?_

Pfft. [he waves a hand dismissively] Like I can remember. It was just an endless sea of tits and pussy. They all wanted a piece of this. I couldn’t have stopped them even if I had wanted to and believe me I did not want to. Oh man. A normal guy would have slept for like… a _week_ after _that_ marathon, but no, not me. I was up in an hour and banging chicks again. And I never looked back!

* * *

Demeter, goddess of the harvest, agriculture, and nagging  
Oh, that. It was with Poseidon. As a matter of fact, I was his first too.

_That’s not what he says._

Right, of course. That story about all fifty Nereids in one night. Well, trust me, I was there, and that was not the penis of a man who’d “banged” even _one_ woman, never mind _fifty_. First of all, I had to show him where to put it. Second of all, if he lasted more than thirty seconds, I’ll eat a bag of Starburst. Third of all, I had to wake him up after an hour-long nap to go again. And fourth of all, only one of us was having orgasms and it wasn’t me.

_I think this is my new favorite interview._

Fortunately later in life he _did_ improve, but trust me on this one. We were both virgins then, whatever tripe he fed you.

* * *

Hades, god of the Underworld, capes, and brooding  
I’m not entirely certain I want to answer this question.

_Yes, well, I’m not entirely certain I want to be here listening to you answer, but I’m manning up. So should you._

[he glares] Fine. As you know, unlike my brothers I have the ability to keep it in my pants when I desire. As such, _comparatively speaking_ , I was what you might call a “late bloomer.” For whatever reason, Zeus and Poseidon took umbrage at this. They got it into their overly-thick skulls that they needed to “remedy” this, so they “set me up” with another goddess.

_I need a name._

Styx, all right? You know, the goddess of one of the rivers in my domain. She was… interested as well, as it turned out. She was very lovely about the whole thing, and we had a very nice though brief affair. We realized that we were better as friends, though, and we have remained close ever since. It was not long thereafter that I fell in love with Persephone and the rest is history.

_With Persephone, and Minthe, and Leuce, and—_

Yes, I get your point, thank you. Are we done?

_We are. Here, have a slice of cake that I definitely did not spit on._

* * *

Hera, goddess of marriage and misplaced rage  
What a silly question. It was with Zeus, on our wedding night, of course.

_[there is a pause] Is that all?_

Yes. What, you’re not suggesting I give _details_ , surely?

_That’s… kind of exactly what I’m suggesting._

Well I never. I will not give you details of my _wedding night_!

_Fine, you can give me details of any of those other times you lost your virginity._

I can see you making airquotes, and no, you will not be getting details of that, either. You have all you need. I take my leave now.

* * *

Zeus, king of the gods and sluts  
All right, I suppose it’s time I tell this story. Set the record straight and all. I hear there’s a fence in Greece with a knot in it that people once worshiped as the first thing I put my penis in. The real story goes a little something like this:

So, you know how after I was born, your grandmother gave me to a little shepherd’s family to be looked after so that your grandfather wouldn’t, you know, _eat me_. For a visual representation of the fate I avoided, check that Rubens painting I have hanging in my study, you know, the one where he’s eating Poseidon. [he pauses to chuckle] Classic.

So anyway, my sibs were all chilling in his gastric acids or whatever and I was hanging out with this shepherd’s family. There was the older patriarch, the somewhat young matriarch, a teenage daughter, and a young son. You can see where this is going, right? Right?

_Totally! It was with the teenage daughter, right?_

Close, but not quite correct.

_The mother, then? Aww yeah._

Still a little off.

_Oh. The son, was it?_

No, jeez, come on. The father had taken the son out for the day to teach him a thing or two about… whatever it is shepherds do.

_They herd sheep, Dad. Shep, herd._

Whatever, whatever. The point is, it was just me and the ladies in the house. We got a little bored, a little lonely, a little horny. So, one thing led to another…

_Oh damn! You had both at once!_

Yep. Would you expect anything less from your old man?

_You’ve set a new standard for the losing of one’s virginity._

Well duh. Who do I look like, Poseidon?

_I should never have doubted._

As long as you remember not to in the future.

_I will! [there is a pause] Wait… weren’t you raised by a goat?_

[he pretends not to have heard] Hey, is that cake over there?


End file.
